"How does she know you love her?" - Enchanted

Over thanksgiving break, a good friend of mine mentioned how it scared her to get married because of examples she'd seen in real life of couples that were great before they got married and then things changed after they were married. Instantly I thought of how God knows everything and won't let anything happen to us that we can't take and also His promise that all things happen for good to those who love Him (Romans 8) and said "Oh God won't let that happen..." or something to that effect.

But then, I thought about it and it kept bothering me in a way it never had before. Even if it's an arranged marriage, people put on their best when a proposal is considered, but what after that? If it's not an arranged marriage, then it's going to be pretty much the same thing. It's not like we get extra censors if we found a person who we think loves us and we love them. How do you know he truly loves you? I'm really looking for answers/wisdom/thoughts here, and I guess, a source for brainstorming - sort of, to kind of help me decide what my stand would be. Help me think.

I believe there's equal likelihood of changes revealed after marriage and the issue of not being real before getting married in case of an arranged as well as a love marriage. There are things that are hidden before marriage, that come out only after. How well do you get to know a person before you decide he's (or she's) the person you'd consider or would like to marry? I pretty much know the arranged marriage side of this because I've grown up around those answers all my life (that is to say, "well, you can't really get to know anyone enough, you know"? Which is true but I feel like that's an excuse to brush off discomfort out of not knowing what to say, it's not really an answer to the question. I really wanna know the other side though, married folks maybe?). Thoughts please... I don't mean to discourage you from commenting on this, no matter what they are and no matter who you are. I just wanted you all to know where I was coming from. So, if you do have thoughts, please let me know.... Thank you...

CDFR 2000 class (Child Development and Family Relations)

I was required to do this for my CDFR class called Childhood Psychology, this class is specifically for conception to age 6. This assignment was from the website www.keirsey.com, on which I took the KTS-II, the Keirsey Temperament Sorter. Anyhoo, this was the result I got. I'm an Idealist. I thought it was very close to who I am, but here's the explanation of how I'm an idealist.

Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self -- always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials. Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things. Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds. Idealists are relatively rare, making up no more than 15 to 20 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers. Idealists at Work Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. They are naturally drawn to working with people and are gifted with helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potential both on, and off, the job. Your beliefs are the arbiter of your actions, even if you cannot articulate those beliefs specifically. You hold a strong, clear sense of the way the universe works, what's "right" and what's "wrong," and what your purpose is in the overall scheme of things. In your ideal job, you can embody those beliefs in your relationships with other people. Because you likely have a talent for de-escalating situations and can almost always find just the "right words", you often significantly improve the morale of organizations to which you belong.

Loving people

How do you get to know someone deeply, whether it is family, friends, or a romantic relationship, in such a way that you know what their every action, look, and movement means? Just love them! Watch their every move, love them, and care for them. They may not notice, but they will soon. It is kinda hard not to notice when someone showers you with love (and that's what you need to do, shower them with love), because when you do that, he or she will see that you love them and care about them and they'll wonder why. Guess what? God did the exact same thing. He wooed us with His love first, then waited for us as we gradually fell in love with Him. Part of the reason He did that was so He could show us that we could love the same way too.


Should you stop if the people you love take too long to recognize your love? Nope. Keep loving them. If they end up never recognizing your love, that's okay, you don't have to have them love you back for you to continue loving them. Love them anyway. They will love you back some day if they don't already. Love them the way God loves you - love patiently, and kindly, without being envious, proud, boastful, rude, selfish, easily angered and the rest of the characteristics that come with these (I Corinthians 13:4-8). Don't just preach it. Practice it! Pray that God will help you remember those characteristics when you're around people. Truly desire to love people that way. Stop thinking about how they don't love you back. Stop thinking about being hurt if they don't love you back because those things don't matter in the end. Ultimately, all that matters is that God thinks the world of you. He loves you - ardently, so much that He gave up His own life for you, while you (that's me too) still kept hurting Him all the time. Think of God as a real Person, not as someone who is somewhere in the sky, far away, where He doesn't relate to you as a person, because He is a real Person, and He hears us and wants to talk to us if we will listen. Often, it takes loving people the way God loves us, for us to understand, not the extent of His love, just the fact that the extent is so infinite that we can't imagine it (try and imagine that). He yearns for our love, which is not worth any of the love He gives us, but He still values our love and wants us as we are. What a wonderful God to serve!


So, coming back to my point of this post, keep spreading that love, people! Show others how much God has loved you if you know of His love and have made it your own. Show them the effect of God's love in your life, but be real about it. Don't think one thing in your head and tell others another. Because people see right through it. Believe and practice what you say, people will see the reality in it, no matter how much you learn from other people, nothing beats personal experience. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.


So, focus on Christ people, and go and love! (BIG HEART)


Loads of love,
-Beula

Just because I felt like blogging... and I wanted to vent.

One sentence can have so much of an effect on you even if it wasn't meant specifically for you.

Some people make it hard for us not to love them. Others make it hard for us to love them.

Donated blood yesterday and didn't feel very good later.

Didn't have a very good appetite yesterday afternoon. Felt good about giving blood but felt tired and weary emotionally.

Went to bed at about 10:30ish.

Slept soon after I shed some jewels, precious liquid ones, on my pillow.

Woke up at 6:45 am this morning. Feel refreshed now. It's 7:18 am and I have an 8 am class - childhood psychology.

I wish some things would be read only by certain people and not by others. But they're never read by people  I wished would read and taken in the right sense. Those who follow my blog, thank you! I really appreciate it. However, I'm talking about things I put up on the Internet in general and the reasons for which I put them up, and how sometimes things are intended for some people and those people never end up reading it. Why am I even saying this to you guys? Wow! I must sound very depressed, right?

I wanna draw closer to God than I am right now... I wanna be the girl that used to love Him more than anything and anyone else because she didn't have anyone else that loved her like Him and she realized, recognized, and responded to that love and gave it back. She's no longer that passionate. And I'd be willing to do anything to go back to that point where I can talk freely to Him and be at peace about where I am right now instead of feel dissatisfied and going back and forth instead of being consistent in keeping up my relationship with Him.

I am dissatisfied with a couple things in my life, but I am also content with where I am right now, if that makes any sense at all.

I wanna say "I love you" without being too ashamed or afraid to say it, and mean it with all my heart, to someone I love dearly. Please don't judge me for this. I cannot take it. I'm weary of being judged all the time.

Finally, but never the least, please pray for me. I'm literally hanging by a string in my spiritual life because of my circumstances. Pray that I will not focus on my circumstances but on the One that holds me in His hand.

Time: 7:34am. Going to class.

Edited for grammar and clarity at 10:03 am.

I dreamed this afternoon that I got a packet in the mail and I opened it and it was an acceptance letter saying I got into the nursing school at ECU. I woke up thinking I wanted to hug everyone that crossed my path (lol, I totally would not do that) but I remembered dreaming I was so happy I didn't know what to do. I actually had a hard time remembering if I really had gotten the letter and couldn't remember what day of the week it was or anything that would help me determine if it was a dream I'd just had or it had really happened before I fell asleep.

I've lately been very anxious and fearing the consequences of not getting into nursing school, because I don't want to have to tell my parents that I didn't get in. I don't want another chance at disappointment. I don't have the strength for it anymore. Would you please pray for me if you haven't already? And if you have, thank you! I want you to know that I appreciate it and that it matters that you prayed.

Just wanted to share this with people who might actually read this instead of in a book that no one but me is gonna read. Have a great next week! : ) <3

Contra dance

My first time contra dancing. First of all, let me admit that I've never danced and have been raised to believe that dancing is wrong and causes others to sin. Period. I, however, NOT because I came to the US, but because I have seen several good instances of dancing in the Bible BEFORE I came to the US, don't think that all forms of dance are wrong. I, in fact, have secretly admired some of my friends who could dance since grade school, have not seen anything wrong with dancing as long as they moves are not suggestive and have always wondered why dance was completely considered taboo, although I was taught by my parents that we do not dance. Anyhoo, fast forward to about a week ago, my friend is a dance person and goes to a lot of different dances, decent ones, and she invited me and my other friend to a contra dance. We were supposed to go for one dance Friday night and another one on Saturday night. If you've ever taken an exercise class of some sort in college, or aerobics for beginners (I have), then you'll understand what I mean when I say it's basically an exercise workout, just a little more fancy. I am SO glad I went Friday night (couldn't go Saturday night because I had other stuff for then and Sunday morning). I absolutely LOVED it the night that I was able to go!!

So, moving on to what we actually did Friday night...

We got there late for the 1/2 an hour class during which, the caller (who walks us through the steps we'd be doing to the upcoming song and then calls out each step as we do the actual dance too) taught the basic steps/moves of contra dance for first timers. But when we got there, Becca my friend who took us to the dance, introduced me and Dani to two of her guy friends and asked them to be our first dance partners because they knew what they were doing and they'd be able to help us along and teach us as the dance was on. Two important details to get a picture of the dance in your head. The music is a lot like country music and there are lots of men and women dancing in rows mostly, sometimes in concentric circles, at the same time to the same steps that the caller calls out (women do certain steps and the men do the complimentary steps).

So basically, everyone has a partner and a neighbor and the lady is always on the right and the gentleman is always on the left. And we first start in pairs, and sometimes face another couple. So if we were standing in the shape of a square, there'd be a gentleman on either side of me, one would be my partner, the other my neighbor. Same for the men, there'd be a lady on either side of him, one his partner and the other his neighbor. You always start a dance with your patner. My first dance partner Jeb was amazing. Most of the steps were pretty simple. With the steps that were hard for me to follow, Jeb would just move me around himself. lol. I just had to let myself go. It was pretty amazing and a lot of fun! =D The band consisted of at least one violin, a flute, and a piano. I know there was one more instrument but I don't think I noticed because I was too busy trying to figure out how to dance. But they were SO good!!

The second dance I danced with Becca's sister (she decided to be a man for that dance, because that night, there were more women than men, sometimes it's somewhat equal ratio, and other times more men than women). It was fun with Deborah, but she's quite a bit shorter than I am, so it was kinda hard for her to have fun while doing her man steps as well as help me move along to the steps being called out, while not messing up other people's dance moves by messing up mine/ours. Oh, one thing I forgot to mention was that, your partner stays the same pretty much throughout the dance, but your neighbor keeps changing. So you end up dancing with almost every guy that's in your line. Many of those men were very good about dancing with people like me. Strong and confident, being good examples, and being VERY encouraging, telling me that I was doing very well, as were each of my partners, although I quite frankly, didn't think I was doing THAT well. lol.

My third dance I took a break and didn't dance with anyone. Fourth song I danced with another of Becca's friends, who was an older man (I didn't ask his name). He was pretty good too about keeping the dance going even though I was not as good as any of them. Let me insert a bit of self-praise here - I felt like I wasn't doing that bad for a first timer coz I was actually enjoying it and felt like I was able to get a lot of the steps pretty fast, but that was at the beginning of the evening. Then I think I stayed out for one more dance and then a girl, Courtney, that was, I later noticed, a very graceful dancer, offered to be my "man" partner for the next dance while I was watching the then going on dance. But as soon as that dance was over, my friend Michael, came and asked if I wanted to dance. I told him I already had a partner for the next dance. So Courtney and I danced and that turned out to be a lot of fun too! I later found out Becca had asked him to dance with me and Dani because we had met him at school and was the one person we already knew before. And he did! She takes good care of us! =)

Then I don't remember clearly but I danced only one more official dance for the rest of the evening when another first timer, Alex from UNC, asked if I wanted to dance. I didn't think it was a good idea, because we were both first timers, but I really wanted to dance, and so I did! And that sequence of steps which involved "the haye" (I think that's how it's spelt, not sure though) just happened to be the hardest of all the dances we'd done that evening. haha! We messed up in the middle of the dance and got back in the flow a little after that. But we both had fun and he was doing pretty good for a first timer too! And then at the end, Michael came up again, because he'd gotten a chance to dance with Dani and not with me, if I wanted to waltz because after all the dances were over, the band/musicians were playing ballroom kind of music and several couples were dancing around the room. (Background info: I've always wanted to know how to do the ballroom dance so I can dance with my husband in the future haha, so I was thrilled when Michael made that suggestion). So Michael and I waltzed while Becca and Dani waltzed too! It was amazing! lol. He kinda gave an outline as to the basic things as to how to move and how to face your partner and stuff. After that Becca and I waltzed too, with a different kind of stepping than Michael showed me, but honestly, I felt like Becca's was a teeny bit harder. haha. And then Becca did a polkadancing "prance" with me, which is done in the ballroom position but faster and more crazy like haha. THAT was way too much fun for me... =D

I laughed out loud a LOT during those three hours! And I'm glad I could do that. I don't get to do that a lot. It lets you out as you are, instead of you having to hold back as though you are not entitled to "too much" happiness, and I think that kind of a refreshment is needed once in a while, not too often though, because then it loses its value.



Disclaimer: This post, if read by many of my people, considering that I don't live among a lot of my people anymore (if you're reading this, you probably know who you are), is probably gonna be looked at as a "scandal" in an exaggerated form, so I wanna say this - I don't really think it matters that much to me what people think as long as I know my heart is pure and as long as I know that my God knows my heart, because that's all that matters to me. God has worked in my life, throughout my life, not just after I came the US, and has made me to be the person I am today by bringing different people into my life and putting me in various situations and bringing me through, and you're probably one of those people too if I've interacted with you. So just be thankful that I still love the Lord Jesus Christ and am following Him and then (sorry, but I feel the necessity to put it this way because this has indirectly affected mine and my family's life a lot, in the past, just because of the way people pry into the lives of people whose business they have no business minding) - with all due respect, please... mind your own business...

Oh, also this previous paragraph are only my thoughts that the Lord has put in my heart, not my parents. They have done their job well, of bringing me up the way they knew best and I love and respect them for it. If you have something to say about this post, please let me know directly. Written with lots of love in my heart, for the sake of my Lord Jesus, for all of you.

I don't feel like putting a picture or a title specifically for this one

It's so good to see my close friends happy with the relationships that they're in. I was really very happy for them, but it wasn't long before the thoughts came automatically back to reflecting on myself. "Am I not good enough? What am I doing wrong? What do I need to do to be better (more marketable... I know that's a terrible way to put it, but I couldn't think of a better way haha)". Then again, what a selfish way to think, as in not being satisfied with where I am right now... Yet again, isn't this how God made me - to want someone to call my own? He's the one that said "It is not good for man to be alone" and that the woman's "desire will be for her husband"? How then can it be a bad thing to think about my future husband? I wonder, oh so many times, how long it will be before I can call that someone my own. It's true that God is the lover of my soul and I cannot tell you how thankful I am for that, but I also think it is true that God Himself put the longing for a man in my life, in my heart, long before I ever understood that longing myself. Granted that God put that desire there, there's nothing wrong with the desire to get married or wanting to have a special someone! Why then, in my culture, is it so wrong to think about the man I want to marry or put time into thinking about what kind of a man I'd like long before it's time to get married, when it isn't wrong to spend hours applying to universities or more than half a day studying? Just because I think about who I'd like to marry, it's not necessary that I'm lusting... Neither does it mean that I want to get married right NOW...

Should I spend time planning and thinking about every other aspect of my life except marriage until "God brings someone at the right time", just because I was raised Indian? Where does God play a role in my life when it comes to learning to deal with your own desires according to God's will and submitting to God rather than denying that they exist? Is God's plan only dependent on what our parents think? Should parents not talk about, think through, and discuss with their children what is the right way? Shouldn't parents be involved in their children's life instead of making decisions for them? In other words, shouldn't children be making decisions, but parents be there through the thinking process and be their friend and patient guide while children arrive at the decision themselves instead of being judged BEFORE or AFTER the children have made the decision. Parents are in this world to guide their children and help them become adults, not help them remain kids as long as the kids are in front of them. Parenting is a maturing process for both parents and children, which means, the rules and principles by which everything happens in the house needs to mature as the children mature, not stay the same whether the kid is 10, 20, 40, or 60. That's the difference between parents and care providers.

Parents should be the guides that no one else can be. I can tell just with typing out this much how hard parenting must be, but then what in this world isn't hard? We choose to sin and that's why it's hard to go through life. If we just gave it all to God instead of working at it all by ourselves and seeking His help only when we got in trouble, it probably wouldn't be so hard in the first place, because we'd know He's got it all under control and that His grace is sufficient for us. Anyhow, bottom line - I'd like to be the parent that God wants me to be, not to please my kids but to please God while loving my kids unconditionally.

What's on my mind right now?

This is my short term dream as of now... =)

This is what I'd like my family to be happy and joyful from the heart and not just on the outside... but that's what I want... is that what God thinks though?

Something I'd like to achieve in about 2 years from now. I know it seems like I'm ordering God about this rather than being open to His will, but this is only a desire and I so hope it comes true...

And finally... but not the least of these, I think often of the one person that I'll be convinced that he's the man God wants for me and about when this secret will be revealed.





These pictures are only a representation of the real thing, not exact. Thanks for taking the time to take a peek into my life. I pray that you'll be encouraged or that you'll remember me in prayer. God bless...

Music... =)

So, I've moved into my dorm room. My roommate dropped in this morning, and isn't coming back until Tuesday! Skipped breakfast and went to lunch. Ate with Eddie, Savannah, Ashley, and Nathan from Crusade and Ruth, who's a new freshman here. There's gonna be a Crusade cookout tomorrow at 5:30 at Elm's Park according to the latest update. I was gonna go to help people move into Belk from 2:30 to 5:30 today and it's 2:31, but I'm not feeling very good right now, emotionally and physically, and so decided not to go. Lame, I know...

I am looking forward to this semester as a whole. If you ask me why, I don't know. All I know is, I'm glad to be in this place that God has put me in and I hope to grow to love Him more (and obey Him).

I went to MD the first part of this week for BUCKIT week (Bible University Christian Knowledge Intensive Training, for those who don't know what it is). Although I could only go up for the first half, it was worth it. We learned about how the Bible came to be as we read it today and why it is reliable as the Word of God and as true as it is. We studied the Book of Matthew headed by Andrew Wilson from Australia. The other thing I really loved about Buckit week was the singing. Young people can sing!! After coming to ECU though, I've seen so many people that consider singing hymns as something so uncool, from what I can tell! I personally think it's the coolest kind of singing, and I can't see why anyone would think otherwise! You would think so too if you could hear the singing at BUCKIT! It was beautiful! Hearing all the mixes of major and minor notes and altos, bases, and tenors and sopranos... singing "Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus, vast, unmeasured, boundless, free, rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me, Underneath me, all around me, is the current of Thy love, leading onward, leading homeward, to my glorious rest above" was simply AMAZING!! If we can sing this beautifully here on earth, I wonder what it'll sound like when we're in heaven, when all of us will be perfect and nothing will sound bad to the tiniest extent of "bad".

Lol, I'm writing this as though you can hear the singing as I type. People, I understand that many of you grew up listening to hymns and don't have a very positive outlook on that kind of music probably because it was forced on you, but look at it for the good music that it is and appreciate it for its beauty instead of criticizing it for its negative connotations. I love contemporary music but that doesn't make traditional music any less beautiful. I love singing alto, for this song and for the song "Alone, yes all alone my Savior died for me".

Watch this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hzYKovRsJ8


Now imagine that same song with 30 people singing 4 different parts (good voices!), no music, only voices. That's what I was listening to and singing with for 3 days several times a day at BUCKIT week. We were singing for God, and I hope He was proud of us wanting to please Him with our voices and hearts.

It felt good typing all that out. I feel renewed and refreshed. lol. Great semester ahead! I have so much to blog about the last 4 months or so. Not enough time to, though. Will try to, as and when I'm able if I think there's something worth reading. =) Latah!!

Something to talk to God about me

Would you please pray for me as I go through certain tough decisions right now?

I need to know how to deal with the people in my life - those closest to my heart... Several times each day I face dilemmas and I don't know who to turn to for comfort and reassurance that one day all this will pass. I pray, and God gives me strength to do what is right but when it comes to dealing with people that I interact with every day and accepting them as they are, that's where things become really difficult for me. This results from me feeling like I'm not accepted as I am, I feel like I have to achieve great things in order to be valued just as I am. So pray that God will grant me strength and grace to be vulnerable and/or draw the line in such situations and so I will know exactly He would want me to do in times like these.

I also have career decisions to make. I'm applying to nursing school this semester. I can't wait to get in!!! I've wanted to be a nurse (like my mom) for a long time now. And I don't know what I'd do if I didn't get in. I trust this is really the direction the Lord wants me to go. I've prayed about about it and know this is what the Lord wants for me. However, I have to have a backup plan and every nursing school's requirements are different from others. Applying to several schools would just mean more time staying in school, if I don't get into ECU-SON and get into some other place. I've been in school (college) 6 years now and am finally getting close to getting done with school with something that I love to do - care for people. It's hard for my parents watch me struggle to get a degree this way, not in terms of difficulty getting in but just with how many changes I've had to go through and how long it's taking me to get an undergraduate. They support me well but I'm sure it can get frustrating and very discouraging for parents to watch their child go through this and them not being able to do much to change it or make it better.

Please pray... there's so much more I could give you details of so you could get a clearer picture but my posts are long enough as it is. If you want to know something more (specifically), please feel free to post a question in the comments section, only if you will take the information you find here to the Lord in prayer. Thank you for praying.

Sincerely and with loads of love in Christ,
Beula

God's will

This is something that I know every Christian wants to know about. But I want to know what you all think. How do you know what God's will is in your life about something specific? Can you know for sure? How do you differentiate between what you want and what God wants down to details? I'd like different viewpoints on this, which is why I'm not telling you my own thoughts in order to keep the feedback unbiased.

And they lived happily ever after!

What's heaven like? Do we think of heaven as a place where we can't enjoy anymore once our time on earth is up? Someplace we think of when we've eaten something that tastes great and think, "Oh the Lord can come to take me away now that I've eaten this"? Someplace we don't wanna go to until we've had some of our biggest wishes and/or dreams fulfilled on earth because once we get to heaven we're not gonna be able to do those things? No friend!! Heaven isn't a place that we're gonna have to bear or put up with... it's a BEAUTIFUL place! You know why it will be beautiful? Not because it's got angels flying around playing harps all the time, but because God's gonna be there! Do you realize what that means?

Have you ever wished there were no sorrow, crying, or pain in this world at any point in your life? If you have, it's a very valid thought to have, because God made you and me to be with Him and to have a relationship with Him. So it's perfectly fine for you to wish there could be peace, harmony, and joy and all the things that everyone wishes for (unless you don't wish for it out of pure bitterness for things you might have been through in the past).

It's kinda like when you're in love. When you're in love, all you really wanna do is spend time with the person you're in love with, right? The same way, God is the only One you're gonna want to be around because He's the MOST AWESOME Person you have known, or ever will know!!! (How do I know that? The Bible tells me about Him, and boy am I glad it does!) Can you grasp the depth of what I'm talking about here? If you truly love God, it's most likely because you've accepted His act of love for you (Jesus' payment on the cross for your sin) and because you've made it your own. And if you love God, you'll want to spend every waking moment with Him or thinking about Him. And finally, if you love God, you'll want to spend the rest of eternity with Him. You know what? I'm so thankful that God created marriage, because marriage is the perfect example of what we will witness in the future when Christ comes back to claim His bride, the Church, and make her His and we're gonna live happily every after! You will too, if you trust that Christ alone can get you to heaven (Acts 4:10-13 and Romans 10:9).

Believe me guys, you won't wanna miss it. Don't put off making that decision, don't tell yourself that you've still got more "living" to do in this world before you can "get right with God". The world isn't worth holding onto, but Christ is!! God loves you, my friend. Make that love your own, accept His offer to be a part of your life. Get hold of a Bible and find out about a love story that can be yours. God loves you!!! Can you believe that? I still can't believe how He can love me despite myself and I've been a Christian for almost 12 years now, but I do believe it and I sure am glad and thankful for His love! :)

Facebook fast and new room

I've been off facebook since Saturday night and I will continue to stay off until Friday/Saturday. I need the break. Found it hard the last two days but it's getting easier now. Driving at not being so intent on being updated on every single thing I'd like to know about friends on facebook. Meanwhile, busy doing last packing for moving into the new house (in Durham itself), probably moving tomorrow or the day after. Will make it easier to keep off facebook. Looking forward to the rest of summer from now on.

OOOOHHH!!! And did I tell you what color my room's gonna be painted? The color's called "rosebay" but it's basically a purplish pink! LOVE ITTT!!!! =D My first time having a room all to myself painted my favorit(ish) color (one of my favorite colors is pink). Will post a picture later if I can.... =) I'm sooooooo excited! Haha...

Later... <3

PS: I wouldn't want as much pink in my room as in the picture above but that's the only agreeable picture I could find suitable for this post... =p

Cry...

I cry... that's what I do when I'm unable to explain what's on my mind. Then again, after reading the book Captivating, I realize like I'm not the only one that does that. It's typical of women to cry when they're hurting but don't know how to put what they're feeling into words. But you know what? I hate that stereotype... I don't like that men expect women to be that way, because when they do that, they look down on women.

I truly hope the man I marry will not think that way about me. I've mostly received that kind of reaction in the past when I've cried, but I long to be understood and accepted for that characteristic, not laughed at for something that God put in me and that I'm not ashamed of. I hope my man sees the value of tears for what they are. Now there are exceptional cases of women that cry to get their way, but honestly, I think that's the route a coward chooses. If you have a sincere justification for what you do though, then I'd probably stand up for you. I'd just not stand for destroying the value of tears.

God gave me the gift of tears and I think it's perfectly alright to shed those tears out of a broken spirit (guilt) or an aching heart for the unsaved. Even when you feel truly hurt, if you cry, I don't think it's "weak". My point here is that I think it's wrong to look down on tears. Jesus shed tears when He was in the Garden of Gethsemane while thinking about being separated from God. That time He was thinking about us, but He was also thinking about Himself and what He was going to lose by separating Himself from His Father. That's crying out of a broken heart, and I think that's righteous...! Nothing wrong with it! Also, guess what? I was made in the image of God... and guess what else? He put me together so that I would have a more sensitive heart so i could cry and pray for my children and my man and be their strength that way. I'm happy as I am, my friends. So if you're a girl, then celebrate us women for just being us. If you're a man, then let your woman/future woman be herself and don't look down on her for it. Be proud and thankful that you've married yourself a woman and not a man!



P.S: I hope I'm not sounding like an independent feminist or something like that, coz I'm not one! I'm just trying to live Christ in every way I can, because I love Him, because He loved and loves me more.

Is it wrong to ask for a hug for myself?

I wanna be mad at God. I want to be angry at Him for letting me have what I asked Him for... because it hurts SO bad when I realize I'm not ready for something I thought I was ready for. I need a hug so bad right now...

Compliments that make me happy

There are many compliments that I've felt were sincere but these are ones that caught my attention. I felt they were more real, deeper, and just meant a lot to me:

1. Your smile brightened my day/ You have a sweet/beautiful smile.
2. I can be myself around you.
3. I think you're a wise/mature person.

I like #1 because I know when I do smile, I smile from my heart, even if sometimes I don't feel like smiling, simply because I'm easy to impress... What follows is the fact that I pretty much wear my heart on my sleeve. Other times, all I can do really is smile since I'm not a great talker. So if I smile and I do that best and it brightens somebody's day, it's totally worth it!! I mean, there's a special kind of satisfaction you get when you get to know you've made someone happy. Jesus died on the cross for me even when He knew death was gonna separate Him from His Father, even though it was only for a little while, He'd never been separated from His Father before that and the Bible says Jesus cried out "My God, My God, why have you forsaken Me?" from the cross. Despite this, He chose to literally go through hell for me! That's how much He loved me, and He still does. Can I, who is nothing compared to Jesus, not spread a little joy when I have really nothing to lose if I smiled no matter what I'm really feeling like at that time?

I like #2 because if people can be themselves around me, that means I've been telling them (directly or indirectly) that they don't need to meet certain standards to be around me... and I love that... I know in the long run, I'll be remembered. That's good enough for me.

I like #3 because if they think I'm mature/wise, then it shows the person has taken time to study me, cares enough about me to see past all my weaknesses and tell me that I'm not striving to be someone I'm not. That I don't need to follow the world to be considered "cool". To me, that's touching. I might be the wrong idea that I'm getting, but it's just the way I like to think.

I have not put up these compliments to praise myself. I have a lot of attributes to work on like patience, compassion, and kindness, especially during this period of my life, and I'm not exactly proud of that fact, to say the least. However, I just wanted to let you know that the people that have given me these compliments, probably without realizing it themselves, have made me more aware of my weaknesses and how much I'm lacking. I am touched though, that they would bring up things like that to encourage me and not bring up the things that can put me down and make me more under-confident of myself. And believe me, I am encouraged! So a big THANK YOU if you're one of those people! =)

If you think any of these are untrue, go ahead and tell me that. =) And let me know what you think, if you'd care to. I'd really appreciate it.

Random facts about moi

Just thought of putting up this note from facebook that I put together a little over a year ago. Reading it now makes me realize I haven't changed a whole lot since then (which is I think good in a way), except that I could've grown more spiritually, but...). Whatever I have changed are either in parentheses or are sentence structure edits and two of them were about tagging people on facebook which aren't really that important. Anyhow, here they are:

1. The simplest and littlest of things amaze, amuse, or impress me.
2. I can keep a secret (mine or those of ones closest to me) for all my life but find it very difficult to hide my temporary reactions or feelings in response to unexpected or unpredictable events and/or comments that people don't generally respond to.
3. I'm not very good at expressing myself verbally but am much better at expressing myself in writing (mostly because of the way I make it to be). I get more time to think while I'm writing and not so much while I'm talking. I’m okay if it’s spontaneous conversation and comes naturally, not if I have to think about it while in conversation.
4. I love spending time with people who truly love the Lord - nothing like it!
5. It takes a long time for people to get to know me as I am - a very long time! I kinda like that but I kinda not like it more than that. I'm working on reversing this trait of mine but I'm taking my time. :D
6. I can be extremely bold one moment and extremely sensitive (for my own feelings as well as those of others) the very next.
7. It's been about 4 years since I started noticing the lyrics in a song first, and only then the tune/music (5 years now and it still hasn't changed!).
8. There is a fun side to me - which not many people see, but I think that side of me is coming out slowly in different forms as time goes by (This might've changed a little bit depending on who you are and what side of me you saw when you first met me).
9. When I sing a song that I've listened to, I tend to sing the song exactly the way that person sang it, even the voice – it comes naturally! =p
10. I love my family... a LOT!
11. I recently made a big change of career choice (OK, that's old news!).
12. I'm not being more specific about #11 because mentioning it makes life more unnecessarily difficult for me – at least for the time being. I guess just saying that destroys the whole purpose but whatever... (decided not to take this off, because it shows a side of me that's been heavily influenced culturally, and I try to change but don't know if it's right or wrong to be so influenced; and if it's wrong, then I don't know how to make it right).
13. I'd rather be a “fly on the wall" and see what others have to say about me than go on and on about myself this way.
14. My favorite drinking vessel in my house has a picture of a toothless open-mouthed-very-cute-baby with "Haaaa..." written above it, on one side, and "*Translation: Nurses are special" on the other. =) I think that's cute.
15. I was born and lived in North India (Bhilai, MP) for the 1st four years of my life, then went to Muscat, Oman and lived there for the next 14 years of my life, went to South India (Kochi, KL) for 2 years of college, and since then have been in NC, US for two years and running.
16. I believe one chooses to love (if it’s true love – that is the patient, kind, not rude, is not provoked kind of love) rather than falls in love – whether or not that person is someone you choose or one who someone else helps you choose.
17. I can be pretty ruthless while saying something and regret it the very next moment and have a deer-in-the-headlights moment right then and that thought can torture me for the next few months.
18. I love acting crazy and laughing out loud, especially when my mom and sister are with me, that trait comes out in its fuller form. :D
19. I talk better in smaller groups than in bigger ones – more because I like listening more than talking. I think I learn more about the people present then, than when I talk.
20. Nothing more joyful than these three – a) contentment b) watching a sad face turn happy c) watching an infant with no care in the world smile
21. I think I’m a total sambar (a south Indian mixed vegetable spicy curry) of completely opposite characteristics and don’t know whether that’s good or bad.
22. I love the Lord my God - Jesus Christ, my personal Lord and Savior, more than anything or anyone else - only because He first loved me when I'm someone who least deserves it – not because I am “wicked” by the standards of the world but because I’m unholy and therefore wicked by the standard of a perfect, righteous, and holy God, when He could have easily, having the power and authority to, with one word made me non-existent if He chose to.
23. If you are not a Christian, (as in not by denomination or born into a family that calls themselves christians but YOU willfully having accepted Jesus as your own Savior and more importantly, Lord), first of all, I hope you’re still reading this =), and secondly, I would sincerely love for you to know that this relationship I have with Him, you can enjoy too to the same extent that, or even more than, I’m enjoying it.

I might add more... later. =)
I love you all!

End of semester thoughts... part 2

Ok. Now for the remainder of what I learned this semester.

I mentioned grace in my previous post and I learned how valuable grace is to me specifically and in the life of every believer that seeks to follow Christ, only this semester. I definitely don't deserve grace but am exceedingly thankful that I it has been extended to me. You know when you've done something wrong and you deserve to get the consequence of what you've done wrong but instead you are forgiven and not made to undergo the consequences, you've received grace... That's what I got. Intervarsity or IV's main vision is partly to be an "invitational community of grace". This means that when a person has a certain struggle in life and wants to gain victory over that area of their life, IV will through the people that are part of it, help back you up and support and pray for you as you deal with that struggle and either remove it from your life or look at everything from a different perspective making it easier for you to give that struggle up, instead of criticizing that Christian for doing something he or she is not supposed to do, tell them "I'll pray for you" and leave it at that.

I couldn't tell you what that approach meant to me as a Christian who was trying to give up the idol in her life. And I'm so thankful for the strength I have in Christ. When I attempted to give it up before, it's not that Christ wasn't working in me at that time, it's just that I didn't want to let Him work in me. I was trying for it all the time without completely letting Him take care of it. Anyhow, I've given that area of my life completely over to the Lord now and wish and pray that He will bring the right opportunity in my way when He thinks it best for me.

The next thing I'm about to talk about is something I've heard a few times but never actually put into practice. I've known for some time now since last semester that the best way to get something that you love, or consider an idol, out of your mind is to love something else even more. For anyone out there struggling with something, take my word for it. It's the best strategy ever and it works! The more you give yourself time to think about it, the more you fall slave to it. Stop thinking "What do I do to stop doing this or thinking about this?" and instead do something else! Don't give yourself a chance to think about how to stop thinking about it. Just do something else that will keep you busy and thinking about the things you should think about. Wow! =p Just felt like laughing at the way the latter part of that last sentence went. lol.

Anyhow, I have a feeling there are some things I'm missing out of the things I wanted to talk about. If I remember, I will post them. Until then, "think about these things" (Phil 4:8) ;-)

I remembered... just wanted to add something to what I've already mentioned in this post. Talking about loving something more in order to give up something you love so much that your focus gets shifted from where it's supposed to be - on Christ, I just wanted to also say, the best thing to love more is Christ. Shift your focus from what you struggle with and put it on Christ. Devote yourself to loving Him like you would that idol of yours, whatever or whoever it may be. Don't stop to think about it. Just love Him! Get to know Him (read your Bible), spend time talking to Him (pray!), spend time with other people that love Him (get involved in a Bible study, attend church meetings other than on Sunday, get lunch and have good spiritual conversations with Christians that love Jesus), come up with your own ideas... Let me know if you want to talk to me about a struggle you may have. I hope everyone's having a good summer.

End of semester thoughts

Nearing the end of this semester... felt like I should put up a post on my thoughts about this semester. First let me tell you about the one thing I consider very important to me - the people I meet and form deep relationships with. I'm generally very reserved, but the ones that do get to know me a little better than most people I've met, know that once I get started talking, I can go on until he or she takes initiative to stop me, unless they wanna let me realize it themselves. I eventually do realize it but by then, I'm already feeling guilty about having talked too much, so usually I prefer when people stop me. However, if you could stop me with grace, without being hurtful, I'd appreciate it a lot more., because I can be unpredictably sensitive and silly at times and it's awkward when it gets that way.

Anyhow, two of the people I'm talking about are Becca and Dani (the order of names don't necessarily imply that I'm closer to one than I am to the other, I love each of them more than the other). I met these two precious girls this semester, here at ECU. I couldn't explain how thankful I am for girls like them that love the Lord and are so much more mature than I am, even being more than a couple years their senior. How the Lord brought about my meeting each of them separately and then finding out that the two of them were good friends too (making it an awesome threesome of sisters in the Lord), I really cannot explain here. I'd put you to sleep if I did. If you know the value of having a "bosom friend" (or friends) that love(s) the Lord and you, and are willing to put in their best and pray with you to help hold you up or help you stand up when you fall or are prone to falling spiritually, you know what I'm talking about. Through these two, I learned how to deal with a Christian brother or sister with grace when they're heading downwards spiritually.

So yes, there was a point in my life earlier this year and late last year when I was going through a serious low in my relationship with the Lord. I had no desire to leave my ways and come back to Him. That's the next thing about this semester I'm gonna talk about. I had something I loved and didn't want to let go. It was an idol that I never wanted to let go of - ever. This unwillingness, in one word, is called disobedience - which I had happily adopted as part of my life in order to please myself. I didn't care anymore about what the Lord wanted. I had gotten so caught up in thinking about justifying my sin and looking at it "optimistically" that I forgot that I was not being true to the Lord, that He knew my heart, and that ZERO glory was going to Him through all of this as long as I was being disobedient. But then Romans 8:28 comes to mind and I'm reminded that everything works together for good to those that love Him. I wish I could say now that all that happened during the past few years was good. Thinking of the million ways I have failed, I can't say that everything that happened concerning this idol was good, that easily, but I have do believe that God has changed me in certain ways of thinking. Christ has forgiven me, which is why I'm so thankful for the Gospel. I used to take pride a long time ago, in who I was, but all that changed a few years ago, and I didn't share that close relationship with the Lord anymore. I didn't need Him anymore because I had this idol.

You and I need God. We were made to need Him. In thinking that we don't need Him, we're proclaiming ourselves as God, thus making that a sin. The first and great commandment, Jesus said, is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. If all I really care about is myself and feed my desires selfishly, and in the process, change myself to become someone so foreign to the Lord that I can't recognize what His calling for me is anymore, isn't that considered my idol? Or my god? That's exactly what I was doing! Worshiping my idol more than God - I was in sin, because of which I had sin in other related areas of my life too! I've triumphed in these areas though, wait, JESUS won the triumph for me! The reason I wouldn't talk about these things openly and more specifically is because I don't trust people as much as I do God. I don't need to put information here that people can use against me for whatever reason. However, that does not justify my sin. I do not deserve forgiveness for what I've done in the past, but I do require restoration and I'm in that process right now.

Another thing that caused a change in me this semester is the desire to bring back several things in my life that had stalled due to my sin. Some of those things are reading my Bible and praying regularly while getting to know Him better, a passion for reading books, being there for friends, loving them like Christ, being there for my family, and bringing back the gentleness and humbleness that Christ would have had He been in my place while dealing with my family. Surrendering is the key. I need to give in to Him - let Him work in me instead of keeping the reins of my life in my hand. He's my pilot after all. If I don't trust Him, who will I trust? Pray that I will "trust and obey... to be happy in Jesus" because there's nothing else in this world more worth it than trusting in the Lord. Such immense peace, hope, and love becomes apparent in life, that it starts flowing out of your life in such a manner that people who don't know Jesus personally see that there's a difference. But first, you have to be in tune with God and have the willingness to be that way. Will you pray for me?

I will post more about what else I learned this semester. I feel like half of my learning was not from the classes I took this semester. But until then, whoever you are, God be with you!

Old-fashioned??

Being a part of our materialistic, money-focused generation, in many areas of life, I have watched, learned, and practiced at least some pride in my everyday dealing with people, be it asking someone for a favor, a romantic interest, changing one's major, business decisions, giving out information, apologizing, forgiving (others and ourselves),... the list can go on... Why waste time for attitude and pride when you can have it all the honest way? Not only is it easier to tell others (wisely) what is on your mind, but it also saves a lot of time and misunderstanding and can help bridge gaps between two people when they relate to each other.

I know everyone has their own way of saying and doing things but as far as I've observed, straightforward is the best way. No beating around the bush, no pride nonsense, just simple, plain old-fashioned truth. Okay, reconsidering what I just typed, I feel like the old-fashioned part of it may not be true, since it was the same way in "old-fashioned" times too. What I'm driving at really is the fact that we need to be more real in our lives instead of putting up a face when it comes to making decisions. That doesn't mean jumping into conclusions as a result of every possible thought that occurs in your head, however, it only means that life might be a little bit... no... a lot, harder most of the time because it'll probably make it harder for people to see that you mean what you say and say what you mean, but it'll totally be worth looking back at with satisfaction and thinking that it was worth it!

So this is basically a love song to your future husband or wife (maybe you've already met them or maybe you haven't), but this is mainly looking from the perspective of an unmarried person who writes a love song to his or her future spouse.

Faithfully (by Eric and Leslie Ludy, authors of When God Writes Your Love Story)

Tonight I saw a shooting star,
Made me wonder where you are.
For years I have been dreaming of you,
And I wonder if you're thinking of me, too

In this world of cheap romance
And love that only fades after the dance,
They say that I'm a fool to wait for something more.
How can I really love someone I've never seen before?

But I have longed for true love every day that I have lived,
And I know real love is all about learning how to give.
So I pray that God will bring you to me,
And I pray you'll find me waiting faithfully.

Chorus:
Faithfully, I am yours
From now until forever
Faithfully, I will write
Write you a love song with my life.
'Cause this kind of love's worth waiting for
No matter how long it takes.
I am yours
Faithfully

Tonight I saw two lovers kiss,
Reminded me of my own loneliness.
They say that I'm a fool to keep on praying for you
How can I give up pleasure for a dream that won't come true?

But I will keep believing that God still has a plan,
And though I cannot see you now, I know that He can,
And someday I will give you all of me.
Until I find you, I'll be waiting faithfully.

Chorus:
Faithfully, I am yours
From now until forever
Faithfully, I will write,
Write you a love song wit my life.
'Cause this kind of love's worth waiting for
No matter how long it takes
I am yours
Faithfully

The story of the man of sorrows and the vapor in the wind

"Man of sorrows" what a name!
For the Son of God who came
Ruined sinners to reclaim
Hallelujah, what a Savior!

Guilty, vile, and helpless we
Spotless Lamb of God was He
Full atonement can it be?
Hallelujah, what a Savior

Bearing shame and scoffing rude
In my place condemned he stood
Sealed my pardon with His blood
Hallelujah, what a Savior!

Lifted up was He to die
"It is finished" was His cry
Now in heav'n exalted high
Hallelujah, what a Savior!

When He comes our glorious King
All His ransomed home to bring
Then anew this song we'll sing
Hallelujah, what a Savior!

I love this song! =) Especially when sung in parts - it sounds BEAUTIFUL!!
Even the first line of the song ""Man of sorrows", what a name!" is such an awe-inspiring one that it's almost impossible that one would pay attention to each word in the song and not be drawn to tears by the end of the song if one knew what Jesus' sacrifice truly means.

"I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling
And You show me who I am
I am Yours!"

"Who am I" by Casting Crowns

This is another song that accents the fact that despite our status as worthless, ungrateful, disobedient beings that dishonored and hated God, He chose to love us more than anything else and wanted to draw us close to Him through sacrificing His own life without uttering a single word against His persecutors. I'm so glad He's no longer dead but is risen and that one day He's coming back to take me home. Can't wait to get there!