Friday, January 28, 2011

I really don’t know where I belong, you know? I am Indian by nationality, and so there are certain references that I grew up with that only people that I grew up around would understand. But I didn’t grow up in India. I grew up in Oman, around non-resident Indians (NRIs), most of whom also hadn’t lived most of their lives in India. This implies that I knew hardly anything about my culture having grown up in a foreign country and going to a school and church, both of which being a part of, made me think and become a woman of my own, have my own ideas, come to my own conclusions about everything in life. I was different than most people and found maybe one or two people throughout grade school who were comfortable with the real me. I never got into arguments or anything, I was in fact, the peacemaker. I was just always very complicated and difficult to understand. When I went back to India, I couldn’t completely fit in there either, because the kids there, saw me as “different”, an NRI (probably with lots of money, according to them), and someone who spoke too good English, such that they thought that I thought myself to be above everyone else that was around me. I was always seen to be someone I wasn’t, whether in India or Oman.

Before I continue, let me say this: the last thing I’m looking for is pity or “aww”s. I'm basically putting myself out there and trying to see who will be brave enough to say something about this.

Moving on, now that I’ve come to the US, I don’t want to be around Indians, because there’s always been a sense of discomfort when I’m around them, the constant nagging and judgment just wears me out making me want to go to a corner and talk to no one because I feel so worthless compared to all these overachievers that make me feel like an underachiever. Not that there’s anything wrong with me, it’s just that all Indians supposedly want to be either doctors or engineers, or Chartered/Certified Accountants. So what do I do once I'm in the US? I hang out with mostly white people because that’s just the kind of people that I feel most comfortable around. They think like me, behave like me, and I'm completely okay with the way they do things  (nothing racial here, just talking about compatibility).

When I hang out with white people what happens? I end up being the odd one out (some news that is) who knows nothing whatsoever, of the references being made in conversations and I end up just being the stupid looking, “have pity on me” person, that has to have everything explained, and takes all the fun out of what we’re talking about. I probably can do something to change that, hang out more with these people, watch more of the movies they’ve watched <- that’s a BIG one (and we’re talking legit Christians here, not random people), play more games/sports they’ve played, do more things they’ve done. I only have to go back to childhood and literally live my life again like my childhood doesn't count. Is there anyone who can understand what a mixed pot I am? Do you know how stressful it is to go through so many changes in life? I’m not mad for all these changes guys, please don’t misunderstand me. It’s just that I wish someone would understand me for all these things that are part of me, and see me for who I am, and love me for who I am, you know? I’m so longing for that day when that man that God has made for me will know that I’m the girl for him, and I won’t have to worry about caring about these things anymore. I don’t want some random guy who I’ve never met before. I want to know what it’s like to fall in love, real love. I want to be able to see him, talk with him and have him understand what I'm saying and for me to tunderstand him for who he is, and to laugh with him, and share with him and him with me. We can do it all the arranged way if that’s needed, but I want that element of love in it, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting that. I just basically want someone who’ll love both my Lord and me with passion - that's all I care about, honest to the core. Nothing else really matters to me, and I know what I'm saying.

I am fully aware that, but for the last few sentences in the last paragraph, and more than anything else, I sound like an angry bull right now and I think it’s good for me to say it out like this than to censor it and make it seem all flowery to please everyone reading this.

But I don’t care, I’m way past the point of caring about what people think. I need something different. And for the last time, I don't think the solution is marriage! Marriage might be part of the solution, but it's really the need to be understood, cared for, loved, to belong to someone - that is what's causing this discomfort or uneasiness. And somehow I feel like this post is going to make things more difficult for me, because it's so awkward for a girl to say things like this. Or maybe I'm just an ignorant nut.

If you read every word to the end of this post, I love you for it. Thanks for caring enough to want to know what I have to say. 

Once again, please don't pity me for this rant of mine or go out of your way to make things easy on me. Continue being yourself but please don't think less of me when I'm not compatible with you. I know none of you think less of me, but I don't know how else to put it and I feel really bad when I destroy the fun when I don't get something everyone else does - and boy you have no idea about the range of things that can apply to.
Note: I'm talking about good, clean fun here, don't give too much exercise to your imagination. I'm just too tired to type it all out to give examples or explain what I'm talking  about here.


SB said...

Although I don't really know what to say in response to your post, I have to say that I know exactly what you are talking about...and there couldn't have been a better way of putting this all together... I love you... you are one amazing sister and person :)...I could not have a better sister in the world other than you...

Febin Rajan said...

phew...after a long break..was very busy travelling to many grew up in muscat?? I mean which school did u study??

To be frank you think a lot, which is not that good :-)

Beula said...

I'm sorry I've disappointed you in terms of how much I think. But this is who I am, and thinking has benefited me more than it has done me bad. I'm a Christian, and follow Jesus Christ, who was also a great thinker as can be made out from his conversations from the Word. I really don't see anything wrong with thinking.

Although, I am interested to know why you'd think it's not good to think, if you meant that in any sense of seriousness.

Febin Rajan said...

Oh no...Don't take me in the wrong sense.. What I am suggesting you is to think that can make you happy or that can benefit people around you..Great thinkers always had good thoughts and had implemented idea to improve their or others lives.

Even I am also a christian and a follower of Jesus Christ. Do you think Jesus needs to think a lot? In fact he knew everything !!

Why think all the sad things that happened in your life? Be happy and think positive :-)

Beula said...

You're right. I have been thinking negatively a lot. It never used to be like that. If you've read my old/initial posts in this blog, you'll know that. My initial intention when I started this blog was for others to get to know who I am and to tell people about Christ and who He is and with the hope that people would start conversations about Him. And I know the reasons why I started putting up posts like this one - very well. And I'm about to change that.

Anyway, thanks so much for pointing this out to me. I needed it at this time. And the kind of post that I've posted above is not the kind that I always post. In some way or another, no matter how difficult things are, it's always been the hope showing through in my posts than the difficulty of the stuff going on, but this one was purely a complaint post - displaying dissatisfaction, which basically shows that I was saying that God isn't good enough for me. This was at a very difficult point for me, and I needed to let it out the way I did. I did see and experience good come out of it. So many things involved in and around that post, it's really difficult to explain what I'm talking about.

But I will say that I'm learning a lot of things right now. It's painfully hard, but I'm learning a lot of new truths with a perspective I'd never known before.

Again, I appreciate your honesty. I needed to refocus - big time.

Were you in Oman?

Febin Rajan said...

Ok. Good to know that. Happiness in anyone's life depends upon that person state of actually the subconscious mind that clearly controls your actions that in turn affects your actions and destiny...

Phew I don't want to be a philosopher :-)

Ya I was bought up in Muscat..attended schooling in Indian School Darsait !! Where did you study and where were you in muscat?

Beula said...


Yep, I was raised in Muscat too. Went to ISG.

Febin Rajan said...

Good to know that you are an ISG product ;)