I don't feel like putting a picture or a title specifically for this one

It's so good to see my close friends happy with the relationships that they're in. I was really very happy for them, but it wasn't long before the thoughts came automatically back to reflecting on myself. "Am I not good enough? What am I doing wrong? What do I need to do to be better (more marketable... I know that's a terrible way to put it, but I couldn't think of a better way haha)". Then again, what a selfish way to think, as in not being satisfied with where I am right now... Yet again, isn't this how God made me - to want someone to call my own? He's the one that said "It is not good for man to be alone" and that the woman's "desire will be for her husband"? How then can it be a bad thing to think about my future husband? I wonder, oh so many times, how long it will be before I can call that someone my own. It's true that God is the lover of my soul and I cannot tell you how thankful I am for that, but I also think it is true that God Himself put the longing for a man in my life, in my heart, long before I ever understood that longing myself. Granted that God put that desire there, there's nothing wrong with the desire to get married or wanting to have a special someone! Why then, in my culture, is it so wrong to think about the man I want to marry or put time into thinking about what kind of a man I'd like long before it's time to get married, when it isn't wrong to spend hours applying to universities or more than half a day studying? Just because I think about who I'd like to marry, it's not necessary that I'm lusting... Neither does it mean that I want to get married right NOW...

Should I spend time planning and thinking about every other aspect of my life except marriage until "God brings someone at the right time", just because I was raised Indian? Where does God play a role in my life when it comes to learning to deal with your own desires according to God's will and submitting to God rather than denying that they exist? Is God's plan only dependent on what our parents think? Should parents not talk about, think through, and discuss with their children what is the right way? Shouldn't parents be involved in their children's life instead of making decisions for them? In other words, shouldn't children be making decisions, but parents be there through the thinking process and be their friend and patient guide while children arrive at the decision themselves instead of being judged BEFORE or AFTER the children have made the decision. Parents are in this world to guide their children and help them become adults, not help them remain kids as long as the kids are in front of them. Parenting is a maturing process for both parents and children, which means, the rules and principles by which everything happens in the house needs to mature as the children mature, not stay the same whether the kid is 10, 20, 40, or 60. That's the difference between parents and care providers.

Parents should be the guides that no one else can be. I can tell just with typing out this much how hard parenting must be, but then what in this world isn't hard? We choose to sin and that's why it's hard to go through life. If we just gave it all to God instead of working at it all by ourselves and seeking His help only when we got in trouble, it probably wouldn't be so hard in the first place, because we'd know He's got it all under control and that His grace is sufficient for us. Anyhow, bottom line - I'd like to be the parent that God wants me to be, not to please my kids but to please God while loving my kids unconditionally.

What's on my mind right now?

This is my short term dream as of now... =)

This is what I'd like my family to be happy and joyful from the heart and not just on the outside... but that's what I want... is that what God thinks though?

Something I'd like to achieve in about 2 years from now. I know it seems like I'm ordering God about this rather than being open to His will, but this is only a desire and I so hope it comes true...

And finally... but not the least of these, I think often of the one person that I'll be convinced that he's the man God wants for me and about when this secret will be revealed.





These pictures are only a representation of the real thing, not exact. Thanks for taking the time to take a peek into my life. I pray that you'll be encouraged or that you'll remember me in prayer. God bless...

Music... =)

So, I've moved into my dorm room. My roommate dropped in this morning, and isn't coming back until Tuesday! Skipped breakfast and went to lunch. Ate with Eddie, Savannah, Ashley, and Nathan from Crusade and Ruth, who's a new freshman here. There's gonna be a Crusade cookout tomorrow at 5:30 at Elm's Park according to the latest update. I was gonna go to help people move into Belk from 2:30 to 5:30 today and it's 2:31, but I'm not feeling very good right now, emotionally and physically, and so decided not to go. Lame, I know...

I am looking forward to this semester as a whole. If you ask me why, I don't know. All I know is, I'm glad to be in this place that God has put me in and I hope to grow to love Him more (and obey Him).

I went to MD the first part of this week for BUCKIT week (Bible University Christian Knowledge Intensive Training, for those who don't know what it is). Although I could only go up for the first half, it was worth it. We learned about how the Bible came to be as we read it today and why it is reliable as the Word of God and as true as it is. We studied the Book of Matthew headed by Andrew Wilson from Australia. The other thing I really loved about Buckit week was the singing. Young people can sing!! After coming to ECU though, I've seen so many people that consider singing hymns as something so uncool, from what I can tell! I personally think it's the coolest kind of singing, and I can't see why anyone would think otherwise! You would think so too if you could hear the singing at BUCKIT! It was beautiful! Hearing all the mixes of major and minor notes and altos, bases, and tenors and sopranos... singing "Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus, vast, unmeasured, boundless, free, rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me, Underneath me, all around me, is the current of Thy love, leading onward, leading homeward, to my glorious rest above" was simply AMAZING!! If we can sing this beautifully here on earth, I wonder what it'll sound like when we're in heaven, when all of us will be perfect and nothing will sound bad to the tiniest extent of "bad".

Lol, I'm writing this as though you can hear the singing as I type. People, I understand that many of you grew up listening to hymns and don't have a very positive outlook on that kind of music probably because it was forced on you, but look at it for the good music that it is and appreciate it for its beauty instead of criticizing it for its negative connotations. I love contemporary music but that doesn't make traditional music any less beautiful. I love singing alto, for this song and for the song "Alone, yes all alone my Savior died for me".

Watch this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hzYKovRsJ8


Now imagine that same song with 30 people singing 4 different parts (good voices!), no music, only voices. That's what I was listening to and singing with for 3 days several times a day at BUCKIT week. We were singing for God, and I hope He was proud of us wanting to please Him with our voices and hearts.

It felt good typing all that out. I feel renewed and refreshed. lol. Great semester ahead! I have so much to blog about the last 4 months or so. Not enough time to, though. Will try to, as and when I'm able if I think there's something worth reading. =) Latah!!

Something to talk to God about me

Would you please pray for me as I go through certain tough decisions right now?

I need to know how to deal with the people in my life - those closest to my heart... Several times each day I face dilemmas and I don't know who to turn to for comfort and reassurance that one day all this will pass. I pray, and God gives me strength to do what is right but when it comes to dealing with people that I interact with every day and accepting them as they are, that's where things become really difficult for me. This results from me feeling like I'm not accepted as I am, I feel like I have to achieve great things in order to be valued just as I am. So pray that God will grant me strength and grace to be vulnerable and/or draw the line in such situations and so I will know exactly He would want me to do in times like these.

I also have career decisions to make. I'm applying to nursing school this semester. I can't wait to get in!!! I've wanted to be a nurse (like my mom) for a long time now. And I don't know what I'd do if I didn't get in. I trust this is really the direction the Lord wants me to go. I've prayed about about it and know this is what the Lord wants for me. However, I have to have a backup plan and every nursing school's requirements are different from others. Applying to several schools would just mean more time staying in school, if I don't get into ECU-SON and get into some other place. I've been in school (college) 6 years now and am finally getting close to getting done with school with something that I love to do - care for people. It's hard for my parents watch me struggle to get a degree this way, not in terms of difficulty getting in but just with how many changes I've had to go through and how long it's taking me to get an undergraduate. They support me well but I'm sure it can get frustrating and very discouraging for parents to watch their child go through this and them not being able to do much to change it or make it better.

Please pray... there's so much more I could give you details of so you could get a clearer picture but my posts are long enough as it is. If you want to know something more (specifically), please feel free to post a question in the comments section, only if you will take the information you find here to the Lord in prayer. Thank you for praying.

Sincerely and with loads of love in Christ,
Beula

God's will

This is something that I know every Christian wants to know about. But I want to know what you all think. How do you know what God's will is in your life about something specific? Can you know for sure? How do you differentiate between what you want and what God wants down to details? I'd like different viewpoints on this, which is why I'm not telling you my own thoughts in order to keep the feedback unbiased.

And they lived happily ever after!

What's heaven like? Do we think of heaven as a place where we can't enjoy anymore once our time on earth is up? Someplace we think of when we've eaten something that tastes great and think, "Oh the Lord can come to take me away now that I've eaten this"? Someplace we don't wanna go to until we've had some of our biggest wishes and/or dreams fulfilled on earth because once we get to heaven we're not gonna be able to do those things? No friend!! Heaven isn't a place that we're gonna have to bear or put up with... it's a BEAUTIFUL place! You know why it will be beautiful? Not because it's got angels flying around playing harps all the time, but because God's gonna be there! Do you realize what that means?

Have you ever wished there were no sorrow, crying, or pain in this world at any point in your life? If you have, it's a very valid thought to have, because God made you and me to be with Him and to have a relationship with Him. So it's perfectly fine for you to wish there could be peace, harmony, and joy and all the things that everyone wishes for (unless you don't wish for it out of pure bitterness for things you might have been through in the past).

It's kinda like when you're in love. When you're in love, all you really wanna do is spend time with the person you're in love with, right? The same way, God is the only One you're gonna want to be around because He's the MOST AWESOME Person you have known, or ever will know!!! (How do I know that? The Bible tells me about Him, and boy am I glad it does!) Can you grasp the depth of what I'm talking about here? If you truly love God, it's most likely because you've accepted His act of love for you (Jesus' payment on the cross for your sin) and because you've made it your own. And if you love God, you'll want to spend every waking moment with Him or thinking about Him. And finally, if you love God, you'll want to spend the rest of eternity with Him. You know what? I'm so thankful that God created marriage, because marriage is the perfect example of what we will witness in the future when Christ comes back to claim His bride, the Church, and make her His and we're gonna live happily every after! You will too, if you trust that Christ alone can get you to heaven (Acts 4:10-13 and Romans 10:9).

Believe me guys, you won't wanna miss it. Don't put off making that decision, don't tell yourself that you've still got more "living" to do in this world before you can "get right with God". The world isn't worth holding onto, but Christ is!! God loves you, my friend. Make that love your own, accept His offer to be a part of your life. Get hold of a Bible and find out about a love story that can be yours. God loves you!!! Can you believe that? I still can't believe how He can love me despite myself and I've been a Christian for almost 12 years now, but I do believe it and I sure am glad and thankful for His love! :)

Facebook fast and new room

I've been off facebook since Saturday night and I will continue to stay off until Friday/Saturday. I need the break. Found it hard the last two days but it's getting easier now. Driving at not being so intent on being updated on every single thing I'd like to know about friends on facebook. Meanwhile, busy doing last packing for moving into the new house (in Durham itself), probably moving tomorrow or the day after. Will make it easier to keep off facebook. Looking forward to the rest of summer from now on.

OOOOHHH!!! And did I tell you what color my room's gonna be painted? The color's called "rosebay" but it's basically a purplish pink! LOVE ITTT!!!! =D My first time having a room all to myself painted my favorit(ish) color (one of my favorite colors is pink). Will post a picture later if I can.... =) I'm sooooooo excited! Haha...

Later... <3

PS: I wouldn't want as much pink in my room as in the picture above but that's the only agreeable picture I could find suitable for this post... =p

Cry...

I cry... that's what I do when I'm unable to explain what's on my mind. Then again, after reading the book Captivating, I realize like I'm not the only one that does that. It's typical of women to cry when they're hurting but don't know how to put what they're feeling into words. But you know what? I hate that stereotype... I don't like that men expect women to be that way, because when they do that, they look down on women.

I truly hope the man I marry will not think that way about me. I've mostly received that kind of reaction in the past when I've cried, but I long to be understood and accepted for that characteristic, not laughed at for something that God put in me and that I'm not ashamed of. I hope my man sees the value of tears for what they are. Now there are exceptional cases of women that cry to get their way, but honestly, I think that's the route a coward chooses. If you have a sincere justification for what you do though, then I'd probably stand up for you. I'd just not stand for destroying the value of tears.

God gave me the gift of tears and I think it's perfectly alright to shed those tears out of a broken spirit (guilt) or an aching heart for the unsaved. Even when you feel truly hurt, if you cry, I don't think it's "weak". My point here is that I think it's wrong to look down on tears. Jesus shed tears when He was in the Garden of Gethsemane while thinking about being separated from God. That time He was thinking about us, but He was also thinking about Himself and what He was going to lose by separating Himself from His Father. That's crying out of a broken heart, and I think that's righteous...! Nothing wrong with it! Also, guess what? I was made in the image of God... and guess what else? He put me together so that I would have a more sensitive heart so i could cry and pray for my children and my man and be their strength that way. I'm happy as I am, my friends. So if you're a girl, then celebrate us women for just being us. If you're a man, then let your woman/future woman be herself and don't look down on her for it. Be proud and thankful that you've married yourself a woman and not a man!



P.S: I hope I'm not sounding like an independent feminist or something like that, coz I'm not one! I'm just trying to live Christ in every way I can, because I love Him, because He loved and loves me more.

Is it wrong to ask for a hug for myself?

I wanna be mad at God. I want to be angry at Him for letting me have what I asked Him for... because it hurts SO bad when I realize I'm not ready for something I thought I was ready for. I need a hug so bad right now...

Compliments that make me happy

There are many compliments that I've felt were sincere but these are ones that caught my attention. I felt they were more real, deeper, and just meant a lot to me:

1. Your smile brightened my day/ You have a sweet/beautiful smile.
2. I can be myself around you.
3. I think you're a wise/mature person.

I like #1 because I know when I do smile, I smile from my heart, even if sometimes I don't feel like smiling, simply because I'm easy to impress... What follows is the fact that I pretty much wear my heart on my sleeve. Other times, all I can do really is smile since I'm not a great talker. So if I smile and I do that best and it brightens somebody's day, it's totally worth it!! I mean, there's a special kind of satisfaction you get when you get to know you've made someone happy. Jesus died on the cross for me even when He knew death was gonna separate Him from His Father, even though it was only for a little while, He'd never been separated from His Father before that and the Bible says Jesus cried out "My God, My God, why have you forsaken Me?" from the cross. Despite this, He chose to literally go through hell for me! That's how much He loved me, and He still does. Can I, who is nothing compared to Jesus, not spread a little joy when I have really nothing to lose if I smiled no matter what I'm really feeling like at that time?

I like #2 because if people can be themselves around me, that means I've been telling them (directly or indirectly) that they don't need to meet certain standards to be around me... and I love that... I know in the long run, I'll be remembered. That's good enough for me.

I like #3 because if they think I'm mature/wise, then it shows the person has taken time to study me, cares enough about me to see past all my weaknesses and tell me that I'm not striving to be someone I'm not. That I don't need to follow the world to be considered "cool". To me, that's touching. I might be the wrong idea that I'm getting, but it's just the way I like to think.

I have not put up these compliments to praise myself. I have a lot of attributes to work on like patience, compassion, and kindness, especially during this period of my life, and I'm not exactly proud of that fact, to say the least. However, I just wanted to let you know that the people that have given me these compliments, probably without realizing it themselves, have made me more aware of my weaknesses and how much I'm lacking. I am touched though, that they would bring up things like that to encourage me and not bring up the things that can put me down and make me more under-confident of myself. And believe me, I am encouraged! So a big THANK YOU if you're one of those people! =)

If you think any of these are untrue, go ahead and tell me that. =) And let me know what you think, if you'd care to. I'd really appreciate it.