What's on my mind right now?

This is my short term dream as of now... =)

This is what I'd like my family to be happy and joyful from the heart and not just on the outside... but that's what I want... is that what God thinks though?

Something I'd like to achieve in about 2 years from now. I know it seems like I'm ordering God about this rather than being open to His will, but this is only a desire and I so hope it comes true...

And finally... but not the least of these, I think often of the one person that I'll be convinced that he's the man God wants for me and about when this secret will be revealed.





These pictures are only a representation of the real thing, not exact. Thanks for taking the time to take a peek into my life. I pray that you'll be encouraged or that you'll remember me in prayer. God bless...

Music... =)

So, I've moved into my dorm room. My roommate dropped in this morning, and isn't coming back until Tuesday! Skipped breakfast and went to lunch. Ate with Eddie, Savannah, Ashley, and Nathan from Crusade and Ruth, who's a new freshman here. There's gonna be a Crusade cookout tomorrow at 5:30 at Elm's Park according to the latest update. I was gonna go to help people move into Belk from 2:30 to 5:30 today and it's 2:31, but I'm not feeling very good right now, emotionally and physically, and so decided not to go. Lame, I know...

I am looking forward to this semester as a whole. If you ask me why, I don't know. All I know is, I'm glad to be in this place that God has put me in and I hope to grow to love Him more (and obey Him).

I went to MD the first part of this week for BUCKIT week (Bible University Christian Knowledge Intensive Training, for those who don't know what it is). Although I could only go up for the first half, it was worth it. We learned about how the Bible came to be as we read it today and why it is reliable as the Word of God and as true as it is. We studied the Book of Matthew headed by Andrew Wilson from Australia. The other thing I really loved about Buckit week was the singing. Young people can sing!! After coming to ECU though, I've seen so many people that consider singing hymns as something so uncool, from what I can tell! I personally think it's the coolest kind of singing, and I can't see why anyone would think otherwise! You would think so too if you could hear the singing at BUCKIT! It was beautiful! Hearing all the mixes of major and minor notes and altos, bases, and tenors and sopranos... singing "Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus, vast, unmeasured, boundless, free, rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me, Underneath me, all around me, is the current of Thy love, leading onward, leading homeward, to my glorious rest above" was simply AMAZING!! If we can sing this beautifully here on earth, I wonder what it'll sound like when we're in heaven, when all of us will be perfect and nothing will sound bad to the tiniest extent of "bad".

Lol, I'm writing this as though you can hear the singing as I type. People, I understand that many of you grew up listening to hymns and don't have a very positive outlook on that kind of music probably because it was forced on you, but look at it for the good music that it is and appreciate it for its beauty instead of criticizing it for its negative connotations. I love contemporary music but that doesn't make traditional music any less beautiful. I love singing alto, for this song and for the song "Alone, yes all alone my Savior died for me".

Watch this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hzYKovRsJ8


Now imagine that same song with 30 people singing 4 different parts (good voices!), no music, only voices. That's what I was listening to and singing with for 3 days several times a day at BUCKIT week. We were singing for God, and I hope He was proud of us wanting to please Him with our voices and hearts.

It felt good typing all that out. I feel renewed and refreshed. lol. Great semester ahead! I have so much to blog about the last 4 months or so. Not enough time to, though. Will try to, as and when I'm able if I think there's something worth reading. =) Latah!!

Something to talk to God about me

Would you please pray for me as I go through certain tough decisions right now?

I need to know how to deal with the people in my life - those closest to my heart... Several times each day I face dilemmas and I don't know who to turn to for comfort and reassurance that one day all this will pass. I pray, and God gives me strength to do what is right but when it comes to dealing with people that I interact with every day and accepting them as they are, that's where things become really difficult for me. This results from me feeling like I'm not accepted as I am, I feel like I have to achieve great things in order to be valued just as I am. So pray that God will grant me strength and grace to be vulnerable and/or draw the line in such situations and so I will know exactly He would want me to do in times like these.

I also have career decisions to make. I'm applying to nursing school this semester. I can't wait to get in!!! I've wanted to be a nurse (like my mom) for a long time now. And I don't know what I'd do if I didn't get in. I trust this is really the direction the Lord wants me to go. I've prayed about about it and know this is what the Lord wants for me. However, I have to have a backup plan and every nursing school's requirements are different from others. Applying to several schools would just mean more time staying in school, if I don't get into ECU-SON and get into some other place. I've been in school (college) 6 years now and am finally getting close to getting done with school with something that I love to do - care for people. It's hard for my parents watch me struggle to get a degree this way, not in terms of difficulty getting in but just with how many changes I've had to go through and how long it's taking me to get an undergraduate. They support me well but I'm sure it can get frustrating and very discouraging for parents to watch their child go through this and them not being able to do much to change it or make it better.

Please pray... there's so much more I could give you details of so you could get a clearer picture but my posts are long enough as it is. If you want to know something more (specifically), please feel free to post a question in the comments section, only if you will take the information you find here to the Lord in prayer. Thank you for praying.

Sincerely and with loads of love in Christ,
Beula

God's will

This is something that I know every Christian wants to know about. But I want to know what you all think. How do you know what God's will is in your life about something specific? Can you know for sure? How do you differentiate between what you want and what God wants down to details? I'd like different viewpoints on this, which is why I'm not telling you my own thoughts in order to keep the feedback unbiased.

And they lived happily ever after!

What's heaven like? Do we think of heaven as a place where we can't enjoy anymore once our time on earth is up? Someplace we think of when we've eaten something that tastes great and think, "Oh the Lord can come to take me away now that I've eaten this"? Someplace we don't wanna go to until we've had some of our biggest wishes and/or dreams fulfilled on earth because once we get to heaven we're not gonna be able to do those things? No friend!! Heaven isn't a place that we're gonna have to bear or put up with... it's a BEAUTIFUL place! You know why it will be beautiful? Not because it's got angels flying around playing harps all the time, but because God's gonna be there! Do you realize what that means?

Have you ever wished there were no sorrow, crying, or pain in this world at any point in your life? If you have, it's a very valid thought to have, because God made you and me to be with Him and to have a relationship with Him. So it's perfectly fine for you to wish there could be peace, harmony, and joy and all the things that everyone wishes for (unless you don't wish for it out of pure bitterness for things you might have been through in the past).

It's kinda like when you're in love. When you're in love, all you really wanna do is spend time with the person you're in love with, right? The same way, God is the only One you're gonna want to be around because He's the MOST AWESOME Person you have known, or ever will know!!! (How do I know that? The Bible tells me about Him, and boy am I glad it does!) Can you grasp the depth of what I'm talking about here? If you truly love God, it's most likely because you've accepted His act of love for you (Jesus' payment on the cross for your sin) and because you've made it your own. And if you love God, you'll want to spend every waking moment with Him or thinking about Him. And finally, if you love God, you'll want to spend the rest of eternity with Him. You know what? I'm so thankful that God created marriage, because marriage is the perfect example of what we will witness in the future when Christ comes back to claim His bride, the Church, and make her His and we're gonna live happily every after! You will too, if you trust that Christ alone can get you to heaven (Acts 4:10-13 and Romans 10:9).

Believe me guys, you won't wanna miss it. Don't put off making that decision, don't tell yourself that you've still got more "living" to do in this world before you can "get right with God". The world isn't worth holding onto, but Christ is!! God loves you, my friend. Make that love your own, accept His offer to be a part of your life. Get hold of a Bible and find out about a love story that can be yours. God loves you!!! Can you believe that? I still can't believe how He can love me despite myself and I've been a Christian for almost 12 years now, but I do believe it and I sure am glad and thankful for His love! :)

Facebook fast and new room

I've been off facebook since Saturday night and I will continue to stay off until Friday/Saturday. I need the break. Found it hard the last two days but it's getting easier now. Driving at not being so intent on being updated on every single thing I'd like to know about friends on facebook. Meanwhile, busy doing last packing for moving into the new house (in Durham itself), probably moving tomorrow or the day after. Will make it easier to keep off facebook. Looking forward to the rest of summer from now on.

OOOOHHH!!! And did I tell you what color my room's gonna be painted? The color's called "rosebay" but it's basically a purplish pink! LOVE ITTT!!!! =D My first time having a room all to myself painted my favorit(ish) color (one of my favorite colors is pink). Will post a picture later if I can.... =) I'm sooooooo excited! Haha...

Later... <3

PS: I wouldn't want as much pink in my room as in the picture above but that's the only agreeable picture I could find suitable for this post... =p

Cry...

I cry... that's what I do when I'm unable to explain what's on my mind. Then again, after reading the book Captivating, I realize like I'm not the only one that does that. It's typical of women to cry when they're hurting but don't know how to put what they're feeling into words. But you know what? I hate that stereotype... I don't like that men expect women to be that way, because when they do that, they look down on women.

I truly hope the man I marry will not think that way about me. I've mostly received that kind of reaction in the past when I've cried, but I long to be understood and accepted for that characteristic, not laughed at for something that God put in me and that I'm not ashamed of. I hope my man sees the value of tears for what they are. Now there are exceptional cases of women that cry to get their way, but honestly, I think that's the route a coward chooses. If you have a sincere justification for what you do though, then I'd probably stand up for you. I'd just not stand for destroying the value of tears.

God gave me the gift of tears and I think it's perfectly alright to shed those tears out of a broken spirit (guilt) or an aching heart for the unsaved. Even when you feel truly hurt, if you cry, I don't think it's "weak". My point here is that I think it's wrong to look down on tears. Jesus shed tears when He was in the Garden of Gethsemane while thinking about being separated from God. That time He was thinking about us, but He was also thinking about Himself and what He was going to lose by separating Himself from His Father. That's crying out of a broken heart, and I think that's righteous...! Nothing wrong with it! Also, guess what? I was made in the image of God... and guess what else? He put me together so that I would have a more sensitive heart so i could cry and pray for my children and my man and be their strength that way. I'm happy as I am, my friends. So if you're a girl, then celebrate us women for just being us. If you're a man, then let your woman/future woman be herself and don't look down on her for it. Be proud and thankful that you've married yourself a woman and not a man!



P.S: I hope I'm not sounding like an independent feminist or something like that, coz I'm not one! I'm just trying to live Christ in every way I can, because I love Him, because He loved and loves me more.

Is it wrong to ask for a hug for myself?

I wanna be mad at God. I want to be angry at Him for letting me have what I asked Him for... because it hurts SO bad when I realize I'm not ready for something I thought I was ready for. I need a hug so bad right now...

Compliments that make me happy

There are many compliments that I've felt were sincere but these are ones that caught my attention. I felt they were more real, deeper, and just meant a lot to me:

1. Your smile brightened my day/ You have a sweet/beautiful smile.
2. I can be myself around you.
3. I think you're a wise/mature person.

I like #1 because I know when I do smile, I smile from my heart, even if sometimes I don't feel like smiling, simply because I'm easy to impress... What follows is the fact that I pretty much wear my heart on my sleeve. Other times, all I can do really is smile since I'm not a great talker. So if I smile and I do that best and it brightens somebody's day, it's totally worth it!! I mean, there's a special kind of satisfaction you get when you get to know you've made someone happy. Jesus died on the cross for me even when He knew death was gonna separate Him from His Father, even though it was only for a little while, He'd never been separated from His Father before that and the Bible says Jesus cried out "My God, My God, why have you forsaken Me?" from the cross. Despite this, He chose to literally go through hell for me! That's how much He loved me, and He still does. Can I, who is nothing compared to Jesus, not spread a little joy when I have really nothing to lose if I smiled no matter what I'm really feeling like at that time?

I like #2 because if people can be themselves around me, that means I've been telling them (directly or indirectly) that they don't need to meet certain standards to be around me... and I love that... I know in the long run, I'll be remembered. That's good enough for me.

I like #3 because if they think I'm mature/wise, then it shows the person has taken time to study me, cares enough about me to see past all my weaknesses and tell me that I'm not striving to be someone I'm not. That I don't need to follow the world to be considered "cool". To me, that's touching. I might be the wrong idea that I'm getting, but it's just the way I like to think.

I have not put up these compliments to praise myself. I have a lot of attributes to work on like patience, compassion, and kindness, especially during this period of my life, and I'm not exactly proud of that fact, to say the least. However, I just wanted to let you know that the people that have given me these compliments, probably without realizing it themselves, have made me more aware of my weaknesses and how much I'm lacking. I am touched though, that they would bring up things like that to encourage me and not bring up the things that can put me down and make me more under-confident of myself. And believe me, I am encouraged! So a big THANK YOU if you're one of those people! =)

If you think any of these are untrue, go ahead and tell me that. =) And let me know what you think, if you'd care to. I'd really appreciate it.

Random facts about moi

Just thought of putting up this note from facebook that I put together a little over a year ago. Reading it now makes me realize I haven't changed a whole lot since then (which is I think good in a way), except that I could've grown more spiritually, but...). Whatever I have changed are either in parentheses or are sentence structure edits and two of them were about tagging people on facebook which aren't really that important. Anyhow, here they are:

1. The simplest and littlest of things amaze, amuse, or impress me.
2. I can keep a secret (mine or those of ones closest to me) for all my life but find it very difficult to hide my temporary reactions or feelings in response to unexpected or unpredictable events and/or comments that people don't generally respond to.
3. I'm not very good at expressing myself verbally but am much better at expressing myself in writing (mostly because of the way I make it to be). I get more time to think while I'm writing and not so much while I'm talking. I’m okay if it’s spontaneous conversation and comes naturally, not if I have to think about it while in conversation.
4. I love spending time with people who truly love the Lord - nothing like it!
5. It takes a long time for people to get to know me as I am - a very long time! I kinda like that but I kinda not like it more than that. I'm working on reversing this trait of mine but I'm taking my time. :D
6. I can be extremely bold one moment and extremely sensitive (for my own feelings as well as those of others) the very next.
7. It's been about 4 years since I started noticing the lyrics in a song first, and only then the tune/music (5 years now and it still hasn't changed!).
8. There is a fun side to me - which not many people see, but I think that side of me is coming out slowly in different forms as time goes by (This might've changed a little bit depending on who you are and what side of me you saw when you first met me).
9. When I sing a song that I've listened to, I tend to sing the song exactly the way that person sang it, even the voice – it comes naturally! =p
10. I love my family... a LOT!
11. I recently made a big change of career choice (OK, that's old news!).
12. I'm not being more specific about #11 because mentioning it makes life more unnecessarily difficult for me – at least for the time being. I guess just saying that destroys the whole purpose but whatever... (decided not to take this off, because it shows a side of me that's been heavily influenced culturally, and I try to change but don't know if it's right or wrong to be so influenced; and if it's wrong, then I don't know how to make it right).
13. I'd rather be a “fly on the wall" and see what others have to say about me than go on and on about myself this way.
14. My favorite drinking vessel in my house has a picture of a toothless open-mouthed-very-cute-baby with "Haaaa..." written above it, on one side, and "*Translation: Nurses are special" on the other. =) I think that's cute.
15. I was born and lived in North India (Bhilai, MP) for the 1st four years of my life, then went to Muscat, Oman and lived there for the next 14 years of my life, went to South India (Kochi, KL) for 2 years of college, and since then have been in NC, US for two years and running.
16. I believe one chooses to love (if it’s true love – that is the patient, kind, not rude, is not provoked kind of love) rather than falls in love – whether or not that person is someone you choose or one who someone else helps you choose.
17. I can be pretty ruthless while saying something and regret it the very next moment and have a deer-in-the-headlights moment right then and that thought can torture me for the next few months.
18. I love acting crazy and laughing out loud, especially when my mom and sister are with me, that trait comes out in its fuller form. :D
19. I talk better in smaller groups than in bigger ones – more because I like listening more than talking. I think I learn more about the people present then, than when I talk.
20. Nothing more joyful than these three – a) contentment b) watching a sad face turn happy c) watching an infant with no care in the world smile
21. I think I’m a total sambar (a south Indian mixed vegetable spicy curry) of completely opposite characteristics and don’t know whether that’s good or bad.
22. I love the Lord my God - Jesus Christ, my personal Lord and Savior, more than anything or anyone else - only because He first loved me when I'm someone who least deserves it – not because I am “wicked” by the standards of the world but because I’m unholy and therefore wicked by the standard of a perfect, righteous, and holy God, when He could have easily, having the power and authority to, with one word made me non-existent if He chose to.
23. If you are not a Christian, (as in not by denomination or born into a family that calls themselves christians but YOU willfully having accepted Jesus as your own Savior and more importantly, Lord), first of all, I hope you’re still reading this =), and secondly, I would sincerely love for you to know that this relationship I have with Him, you can enjoy too to the same extent that, or even more than, I’m enjoying it.

I might add more... later. =)
I love you all!